Janelle Ann Kidman was the actress’s only living parent. Her father, Dr. Antony Kidman, died in September 2014. “So life is, whew,” she told GQ. “It’s definitely a journey. And it hits you as you get older.” Kidman admitted that it’s been a difficult last few months, calling it “a wake up at 3 a.m. crying and gasping kind of thing.”

In an interview with GQ published Monday, the “Babygirl” actress revealed she thinks more about “mortality” now that she is in her mid-50s and has lost both her parents.